For the past few weeks there has been a mass of a thought that has made its way to the top of the formaldehyde-filled jar of my skull and created a thin film like cover over the liquid and the brain floating inside it. Can't film even gather on top of alcohol? Wouldn't it just dissolve?
Well, even if that was the case, it would be an even better metaphor. It just means the thought has dissolved, and it's not as pronounced, and it's just floating around, and it won't go away.
Here it is:
I cannot escape my exes.
I hate them both, but they are in my thoughts always. Like right now, fucking Someday by Sugar Ray is playing on my iTunes and it reminds me of the shit head 12 year old in a 21 year olds body because all he ever listened to was 90s music. And naturally I think of one, I think of the other. They are just grouped together and shoved inside this box I store away in the darkest little corner hoping the cobwebs collect and a sinkhole swallows it up and it becomes lost and I never recall ever knowing them. But the box overflows because somehow the memories I chose to keep are the most infectious and they climb out and grow like vines and I snip and snip and snip away but they keep growing until I find a chainsaw and keep them away for a little while. But they always grow back.
I am very very tired that I can't just get over my exes. I can't get over the terrible things I've been through with them and I can't find any way to get it out of me. I am hopeless at being coherent when I speak so I never do, and even if I was, I would have no one I'd like to talk about it with. I would not even know what to talk about. How much I despise them? How I try really hard not to check up on them online to make sure they aren't happy and become bitter when they are? Why can't I just move on. I'm sure I fucked them over as they fucked me over. The Mother Teresa inside of me hopes they don't become as plagued as I do when they are reminded of me but god knows I'm not Mother Teresa. But perhaps it would be better if I just forgave and forgot.
Love thy enemy?
