But, I'm thinking you might know already.
Let me start with school events.
This past week at school has been spirit week. *&%*(*@$%!$%*. Yeah, spirit week.
On Friday there was an all school assembly out on the football field. As in, all 3000 and something hyped-up teenage students were out on the field at 7 fucking AM in the morning.
I was not hyped-up.
Thought I'd stay at home and sleep in even. But, I didn't want to miss this All American cliche thing. If, only for the experience.
I should have stayed at home. I was cold, and lonely, sitting by myself while everyone else was la-di-friggin' GO SUNDEVILS-ing.
It was a sad thing really. I tried my hardest to look un-interested and not care that I was by myself. It's not like I don't have any friends. It's just I don't really have any friends. Not in this damned country anyway.
Saturday night was The Homecoming Dance. Yuck. I remember the group I sit with in Biology asking each other if they were going to the dance. I noticed they didn't ask me. They probably didn't mean it but I'm sure they knew without realizing that I was definitely not going. Offended? Not really. I understood. It's not like I would've went if I could've anyway.
Now, moving on to events that have happened at home, or at house. Whichever.
The week was pretty much spent worrying over whether Mama found this or not.
I knew she would've eventually.
So, Saturday morning. After 5min checking bebo, blog and email I plopped myself down on the couch. Mama was in a reasonable enough mood. Not cranky or nothing. Just, reasonable.
She came down and sat down next to me all "let's be bffl's yeah?!"
I was thinking "Yeah, no."
And after around 30 seconds of awkward arm clinging.
"I read your blog"
"Ohhhh Shiiiiiiiit"
From her end came questions like "Do you think I'm bitchy Ate?" and explanations like " I wanted to let you go to the soccer meeting but it was just short notice"
And from mine came answers like "Only when I'm angry Ma." and rebuttals like "I wasn't upset over that"
It was a harrowing confrontation, but not really a confrontation. Just awkward and a "I SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS TOPIC NOW OR EVER, WITH YOU" moment.
Seems the only thing she was agitated about was the fact that I cussed alot. Surprised that I know of such words? Please, don't be. If I know how to use the word "harrowing", I know how to use the word "Fuck". You live in America, either get used to it or get over it.
She wanted me to stop swearing. I said they were words of expression.
She wanted me to stop swearing. I agreed and got my ass up to my room.
Then came a state of melancholy. I put "Cheated Hearts" on and just cried.
I was upset about Mama finding this blog.
The only way of ever getting a point across without interruption.
The only way to have an opinion in this house.
The only thing that keeps me sane.
The only place that let's me do my own thing.
The only way of getting how I feel out.
How I feel about everything.
Be it, my family, my school, whatever.
She found it and now I'm put off.
I don't want have a point anymore, or an opinion, or a thing to keep me sane, or a place where I can do my own thing or have feelings.
I DON'T WANT TO.
Especially after this morning when I overheard her talking to my dad about it.
And laughing about it.
I've been crying alot lately. Feeling depressed. Even before this.
Now, tell me that isn't a conundrum.
wholeheartedly,
ina