I just always have this constant urge to share. To share everything. My thoughts, my emotions, my frustrations, my body, my food. Recently I had a talk with Him and He shared that I might have always had this compulsion for attention. Any type. It makes sense, I get it. I didn't get much of it when I was little. My dad wasn't around much. I know how these daddy issues work, I took Psych 101.
Anyway, the real reason I'm here is because I got caught in this little thing called Tumblr for far too long. That website is literally soul-sucking. I'm positive it was one of the main drives for this emotional turmoil inside of me. Plus it's a huge distraction and I don't have very good self-control. My self-control is basically the most laid-back of all the self-controls. "You want to what? Shoot heroine? Well I don't think that's the greatest idea Ina but you know, if really want to!" So I went ahead and left it. I didn't really delete it, I wouldn't be able to do that just because I'm such a nostalgic person and the internet is good for keeping memories. One day when I'm bouncing a kid on my lap and my flat stomach is no longer flat, I'll type in my old url and look through my /me tag and become reminded of hot I was. And I'll look through my /personal tag and laugh at how silly all my problems were. And I'll look at every other post and cringe and snort and grunt at the 3 years of thoughts I had accumulated on that thing. I'm glad I made it but I need to be happier and I need to be more focused on school and working and my family and my guy and my friends and everything else around me. I can't move forward if I'm so intent on facing a computer screen.
Like I am right now, for example. It's okay though because I always felt like making a big post every day was better than sporadically making bratty ones throughout the day and when I post this, I'll be able to study.
How do I feel right now? Well for starters, I've only had a combined sleep of about 8 hours for the past few days. It's only 8:30 but I feel like it's 2 AM. I've just done it again. Left my schoolwork to the last minute. I'm in college, I really can't afford to be doing that. It kills me because I know I shouldn't be but I do anyway and I panic and I become anxious and I cry and I complain to Him and he's so great about it but nothing makes me happy when I'm in this whole leg. I've just been sad the past few weeks or so, something's come back but that still shouldn't be a reason to have to panic every time some significant period in the semester comes around. I'm never going to become a nurse if I keep up like this! I want to be a nurse! I like science! I like the human body! It's really fucking neat! So I need to act better about it more so I can learn about science more! Yay science!
I think that's pretty much all I have for tonight. I need to revise the rest of my study guides for my 7:30 AM lab tomorrow. Hahahahahhahaha I hope I crash and die on the way to school. (I don't really, but that's all I think about when I drive I'm a very sad and complex person I should be in a movie.)
'Til next time!
Zac is very fond of Wreck-It-Ralph