505

Although I haven't heard this song in months, maybe years, I still remember when I thought I was in love with you.

Perhaps it's just because the atmosphere is familiar.
I am, after all, flooded in the same pulsating, dull, yellow light of 3 AM and high in my always clouded mind. And as much as I hate you, I still love the songs you gave me, just me, I hope, to keep, forever. 

 I'd like to tell you that I want to stand in front of you, far enough not to breathe the carbon dioxide you emit because I've convinced myself that your lungs are where the ancient evils of Pandora's box have cornered themselves, entering your mouth, travelling into your larynx, down your trachea and into the endless labyrinth of your bronchi along with the disgusting cigarette smoke you once tried to get me to inhale, but close enough to stretch my right arm out and perform a one-inch punch the fictional Pai Mei would be proud of. It would destroy you. It would shatter your sternum open and everything that is you from the shoulder up will fall out of the hole I created in your chest similar to the one you created in mine with the sound of rainfall and the rest of your body would follow. Meanwhile, a fictional pride felt by a fictional mentor because of a fictional act of desperation caused by the bitterness of a fictional love is buzzing.

However, the truth remains that the dumb boy who has forever calcified this part of my chest is all too real. You are scum.

But these songs will hold no memory of you and I will chip away the concrete that coats the inner curvature of my left false ribs, false like everything you told me and every look you gave me and every exhale you blew my way and the chunks and pieces will drop down into the acid of my stomach and I will shit out what you've left me with like I do with everything I consume and find I don't need in my body, I don't need floating through the endless miles of blood vessels. You travelling with me twice around the Earth is the last thing I need. You're scum and you'll always be scum but when I'm through with the thought of you, all you'll be is scum that's ingrained and clinging onto the sewers under this city.  

Settling

I was going to post something but it'll sit in my draft until I sit down and concentrate and write and write and write. 

Mystery Girl

 I went to see Yeah Yeah Yeahs last night and I just had a lot a lot a lot of fun that I'm going to not put any of the yucky things I thought and happened last night down. Good night!

OILRIG

I seem to get my best studying in when it's after midnight and everyone is asleep. After midnight I find that my thoughts have mostly quieted down and I'm not as splenetic as I am during the day. I have a couple of friends around the world in their respective time zones I can carry on a minimal, mellow conversation through the night so I don't feel completely alone. I'll feel very down sometimes but not too much because it is late and I need to get my studying done so I can sleep. 12 AM - 2 AM is the best time for me.

After a few days of unnecessarily having to think about it, I went to see an advisor about my schedule next semester. She had the rest of my classes mapped out for me and it was a relief and it was a start. If I pass the classes I am having trouble with now I only have 2 semesters until I can apply to the BSN program. It's unbelievable to think because I don't even feel like I'm ready for it because I haven't been ready this whole time I've been in University. I told my friend that I was a little scared thinking about it because I won't even know how to begin acting like an adult for another 5 years, at least and he said, "You won't be an adult, you'll just be a kid making lots of money." That honestly made me feel a lot better about it. I'll be a kid that worked hard and gets to play and do what she wants. If she works hard enough.

Anthony is sitting 2 computers down from me and I was thinking a few nights ago that the thing that annoys me most about him is that it seems he never seems to be genuinely upset about anything so much so that it seems like he doesn't live real life. That makes no sense. I'm annoyed with my friend for being happy and content with everything because he already has everything he needs. He has friends, he has a lovely family, he has money and I get annoyed with him because he can't sympathize with me. It's always "life is good" "cheer up!" "well I'm sure it's not a big deal." He doesn't make good jokes either. I love him but he doesn't make good jokes. I can always depend on Garrison for the most natural conversations.

I wrote a letter to my parents about seeing John on Tuesday and now it's Thursday and I need to get it to them. KAYAK gave me an alert that tickets have gone down in price by $7. That's $7 I can spend on Chipotle.

Anyway, it's my last day of work on Saturday, thank GOD. I'm going to go to Smith's after school and buy ingredients for cupcakes and then I will have something to do tonight. Also I need to buy my tickets to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs but I still haven't gotten around to it because I still don't havea  plan of how I'm going to get there. How am I going to get there?

"It's always about that"

I can't even get the suggestion of what I'm trying to ask my dad out of my mouth before I take something he says to heart and get that overflowing feeling in my heart that fills up the rest of my thoracic cavity and up my esophagus, filling my my head space and coming out of my eyes as tears and out of my ears as deafening hopelessness.

It's Party Time!

I don't know how many more daily panic and anxiety attacks I can take because of school. Only so many until I actually jump off the 5th floor of Lied.

We celebrated Zacs 6th birthday party at the house yesterday. Currently, there's a bare-to-the-bone lechon sitting on the dining table along with enough leftovers to feed the Pitcairn Islands for lunch. He had a lot of fun and I'm happy that last night was a good night for him. Then again, as long as there's a party for you when you're a kid, it doesn't matter who goes, you'll still remember it as a great day.

I don't remember my 15th birthday here in America. I want to say we got a cake at Seafood City and I blew it out and then the rest of the day was spent at Mommy Mila's house doing nothing like always.

My 16th birthday, I went to school and DeAngelo had a huge balloon, a teddy bear, and a container of brownies for me and I carried it around all day. I remember feeling a little embarrassed because I wasn't very popular at thigh school and the balloon drew a lot of attention as I walked from class to class. During chemistry a classmate that barely talked to me wished me a happy birthday and then asked if she could have a brownie, I  thanked her and gave her one, and gave some to other people that asked and then I took a bite, decided I didn't like it and gave the rest to her.

For my 17th birthday we had just moved to the house a few months before and I shared a party with my dad. My mother ordered us both very beautiful and quite expensive fondant cakes, and it was the prettiest cake I'd ever had. It was closer to my dads birthday so it was more of his party than mine. There were also more people there for him than for me. Tania and Carlos came and I hadn't seen her in years so I was happy she made it. I don't think I was very close friends with Garrison or Anthony yet. DeAngelo came and it was the first time he had been invited to a party. He brought me one of his old TV's because I needed one for my room and I kept thinking how pathetic he looked carrying it down the road with a glum face. He was frustrated because I was trying to divide my time between him and my friend and he left early and almost crying with frustration. What a complete dick.

My 18th birthday party, no one came. I invited Garrison and Anthony and I think they had things to do. I remember inviting a few other people and being scared to invite them all the same because they would see how many people didn't turn up. It didn't matter because no one did turn up except for the usual Vegas Filipino people. Everyone asked me where all my friends were. I was almost upset to say no one came and everyone was busy and I don't really have many friends, but I got presents and I spent time with the kids in my rooms so I wasn't too sad about it. Plus my mom ordered me a pretty Barbie cake.

I came home after work to a surprise party for my 19th birthday. I didn't expected but I had a hunch. Mostly because Filipinos are very disorganized when it comes to being on time to anything and someone arrived at the same time I did. My mom invited Anthony but he had church. I don't think she had Garrisons number. I spent the night eating and thanking everyone and my parents and taking a few shots and being in my room crocheting and making paper stars with the girls. It was nice.

Birthdays are a strange thing lately and it's a shame that I don't get as excited about them anymore as Zac does.