Housewife Jello

At work today most of my shift was committed to tasking and working in the back room. I enjoyed it, I didn't have to deal with as many customers as I could have. It wasn't all peachy and fun and games but I liked having an assignment to finish. While I was throwing boxes around and hauling ass back there one of my favorite coworkers came back and asked me if I needed some help while he was back there. I replied, "No, I can manage." While squeezing in through piles of stock carrying a huge hunk of a metal rack. "God damn girl, you're gonna make a great wife one day."

I started thinking, what a funny compliment. Realizing how not too long ago, that was all women were really expected to become; and even still now, although everyone denies it.

A lot of times I don't think I'm capable to become what I want to become, career-wise. Party because I'm not smart enough, and partly because I'm still not even entirely sure what I want to be. There's just a constant  waiting for something to strike me in the face telling me that, okay, this is what you're supposed to do, so just go ahead and do it. This vagueness surrounding my whole future is what is stopping me from having one. I want everything and I want nothing, all the same. Why did no one prepare me for this? Why does everyone expect me to be prepared for it now?

I wouldn't even make a good wife. I can't cook, let alone get through a day without having a mental breakdown.

I went hiking with a coworker today and I enjoyed it. There's beauty somewhere in the desert, after all.

Waking during the witching hour

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

                                        ~Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening, Robert Frost


I woke up from a bad dream with that last stanza repeating inside of my head. It was already a queer night for me before I eventually fell asleep. I cried what I felt and what I felt will leave me with swollen eyes, still, in the morning. I played with myself but whoever says you don't feel emotions at the peak of orgasm is a liar. Those whimpers were fragments of anguish from just minutes before more than they were of bliss. I was on the edge of tears more than I was on the edge of ecstasy.

I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
I felt this denseness over my skin. Only my arms were exposed so that's where they felt the heaviest. I got up to use the restroom and I pictured a hand coming out from underneath my bed and grabbing my ankle; but I always imagine that happening. When I got back I tried to figure out where those lines repeating in my brain came from. I trapped myself in my pillow fort and I couldn't help but notice how overwhelming the quiet of 3:33 was. I think that's where this massive weight blanketing my room came from. I kept recalling the story of The BFG. Tonight would have been a perfect night for him to come and take me away into Giant Country. I'm sure the only thing stopping that from happening is the fact that I'm not a little girl anymore. Either way, he didn't come fast enough to blow a sweet dream into my ear.

I was lying in bed and trying to be brave and keep my eyes open but I pictured some grotesque hand appearing from nowhere and caressing my cheek. I couldn't keep my eyes open for that.

I am very happy.

I am very happy with myself, though I may not show it. I love every pinch of my body, I love my face. I love my personality, and the honesty of my thoughts. I am one of a kind. I am very happy with myself, though I may not feel it.
I am happy with my friends, even if I feel I'm not as high of a priority to them as they are to me. But not every friendship has to be like that. No friendship has to be like that. I want to make them happy. I love my friends.
I am very happy with my family, even though I don't tell them nearly enough. I love my mother, she is an amazing woman. I love my father, he is a genuine man. I love my brothers, they both make me laugh. I am very happy to be in this family, I should project it more often.
I am very happy with ny relationship. The word "very" feeling well overised now. I love my significant other. I don't feel like he should be with me. I don't feel like he should care about me. I feel I'd rather be alone than having someone I love slowly realizing he does not need to be in this. I feel I will become a regret somedsy, but I love him all the same. I am very happy to be with him, I am desperate for him to be happy with me. The word that means something between lucky and grateful and appreciative and blessed and happy would be the word I would use. I feel more than the meaning of those words toward this relationship.
I am happy I am lucky I am happy I am blessed I am happy I am happy.

This goblin is running around with a flaming torch around my insides right now, what a peculiar feeling.

I'll be honest and say I don't like not having an audience anymore. I'm just talking to myself and I'm sure at least one other person but mostly still myself. I talk to myself I talk to myself . talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself  I talk to myself

I gave up in less than 20 points.

It's really difficult being in this. How have I managed to do this? It breaks me to think that I'll be doing it for much, much longer, still.

Why you should let me travel across the continent to another country alone to see my significant other (whom I've never met before) and stay at his apartment for a week:

1. I have worked very hard for the past 6 months and saved up a lot of money hoping to go on this trip.
2. I'm dying to travel and leave Las Vegas for a little while. 
3. I would be so happy.
4. Maybe it'll finally shake this goblin off my shoulders.
5. I'll be staying with someone I care a lot about and who cares about me a lot and I know he'll keep me safe. 
6. He's an incredible guy who I'm already positive I'll be with for the rest of my life.
7. You'd be really happy for me if you got to know him.
8. Please get to know him. 
9. Please let me go.
10. I can and will pay for everything, I just need to let you know that it would make me so so happy if you let me go on this trip. 
11. Even if I am of legal age, I'd still respect you and understand if you don't think I should go and I won't go behind your back if you do.
12. I'd just be really heartbroken and probably slip into a coma for a couple of weeks.
13. Why can't he come here, instead?
14. I'm not sure. 
15. Mostly because I want to leave and find out how I really am by myself and see the world and see him at the same time more than I want to see him at any cost, I guess.
16. I don't want this to be another insignificant immature relationship with tons of sneaking around and things said that have no meaning to them. I want to be serious for once.
17. Also I want to have lots of sex.
18. Also because I don't think he really wants to come here and not be treated like an adult and be forced to go to church on Sunday morning. 
19. Why doesn't he come here instead?
20. Okay, I can wait to go I suppose. 
21. Just give me a second to get over this. Maybe a week or two. Or a month. Or 2 years.

Characters (at work):

• Rwanda (Store Manager)- Intolerable, inconsiderate fake with dress-shoe up his ass 24/7. He's a good enough store manager to make his store one of the best in the company but all of his employees hate him as a person, myself included. It's really actually pretty terrible how all of his workers criticize him and talk about how bad of a manager he is. A workplace shouldn't have to stress about whether or not they'll get yelled at when they clock in.
• Mama E- She's the best person you could ever know. Just knowing she's working on a shift with me makes me feel a little better about coming into work. E always has stories about her kids or something amusing that's happened to her recently. She's not the most organized person and she has her quirks but she evens out Rwanda enough that everyone else doesn't go insane and can tolerate coming into work. I don't like when dumb Rwanda has made her upset. 
• Quesadilla - She is 24 and she is a young manager. As a supervisor, she's great and on top of things and very responsible and I always enjoy working with her, we have fun just because we're both young but I don't think we would be friends out of work. She's just one of those everyday girls you see that has Ted as her favorite movie of the year. Nothing wrong with that though, I still love her. But only you really get to know a person when you see how they text. 
• B- I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove him just because he loves me too. This one time we hadn't worked together in a while and he came over and gave me a hug and a kiss on the forehead and that made me feel so fuzzy just 'cause he's so big and cuddly. He's a very hard worker and has great people skills. Just one of those really chivalrous guys and has great family values. He's great. 
• Willy Monfret- Wow hello, my beautiful Colombian model. I'm still not sure about his sexual orientation pr relationship status because it's all very confusing but it shouldn't matter either way because we've sort of developed an insult-each-other-with-every-opportunity relationship. He does this thing where he glares at me head to toe then back again with a sour face and looking sassy as fuck 'cause he knows I think it's annoying and will make me uncomfortable. I think we'd be good going to see a romantic comedy or a horror movie together or something.
• Mr. Teacher- The most down-to-earth guy ever. Everything about him is so American and genuine. He can talk for about an hour if you don't say anything to stop him and he's just charming and innocent looking enough that it will never annoy you. 
• Tortellini- I'm pretty sure she's out to have a competition and prove she's juts a little better than me at any cost like the attitude some girls my age have with me but it doesn't matter 'cause I still like her! We get along well enough but like Quesadilla, we probably wouldn't be bffs out of work. Them two, however, all they talk about is sex and boys and parties and all that whenever they have spare time, even during work, and they are actually bffs with each other. I'm annoyed for the reasons that 1) I'm doing more work than they are standing there and gossiping and 2) I can't just jump in and join them and be super gossipy with girls for once. 
• Jacyln- She has a kid and she smokes and she lived in Hawai'i and she is allergic to ingesting water. That are the 4 things you'll hear her tell a customer within at least a minute of her trapping them. Great saleswoman, super nice, super funny, that's all I really know though. I heard she's in the hospital currently because all the soda she drinks is eating away her stomach. I hope she's alright.
• Snowboarder & The Little Mermaid- These boys are also part of the younger crowd and it's always fun and really laidback working with them. TLM asked me if I wanted to see a movie the first week he started working there. I honestly thought he asked as friends and I said no without thinking about it more then I realized he doesn't really talk to me the same since he found out I had a boyfriend! Oh well! It's a little amusing how clueless he is when it comes to a few things but I just have fun calling him dumb and helping him out. The Snowboarder has a Filipina girlfriend (that Willy Monfret refuses to believe actually looks like me like he said) and goes to UNLV like I do. We get along very well just 'cause we're both nice people and crack regular jokes. 
• Nic- Oh gosh she drives me insane just because she's so slow at everything. Slow at tasking, slow at recovering, swears in front of customers, exaggerates whenever she bumps her godamn  hip on a table or pulls a hair out or something. It's so infuriating. She's the sweetest person but maybe I just get easily annoyed. 

It's 3 AM all of a sudden. My papa got home from work about 40 minutes ago. I should probably go downstairs and say hello.
Truth is, this family doesn't feel like a family. I'm not sure if it ever really has. Observing and being envious of everyone else's relationships with their parents distracts me too much from making mine better. My New Year's resolution for 2013 was to have a better relationship with them. I'd never assigned myself a proper resolution before. I'm just a little vexed today because nobody ate the tacos I made except for Jorge. I don't really feel appreciated for what I do around here. But then again, I'm sure I don't give appreciation where it's due either. I'll be that honest.

I can't even think anymore. I tried to clean but all I did was play with the scanner and put more pictures up and play with my back acne. Why do I have back acne? I'm not sure what time I'll wake up tomorrow but I have to go in to KC at 6. I was going to start reading The Bell Jar today but I suppose someone else's depression can wait to burden me another day longer. I miss John.

210

Do self-destructive tendencies overcome eventually?

I can't help but notice how many times I use I in a post. Or just, in every day conversation actually. Is there a workshop, do you think, to help one to stop using that word? Is it even so bad to keep using that word? Do you think there is some sort of existential event that will be put in place for you if you go a certain amount of time without using the word I? Anyway, if there ever was, I would never be rewarded with it. I am all I think about. I am all I know. I am all I care about. Every thought in my head is I. And rightfully so. I'm torn between feeling resentment for this narcissism or stupidity for thinking it is narcissism. There can't be any truly selfless people in the world. Now proceeding to continue writing the rest of this post while refraining from using that silly vowel.

Trying to make this blog look pretty. Wondering if anyone has read it since it has been resurrected. Doubt it, highly. Not too many people know about it anyhow, even when it was used actively. Then again, the owner didn't have as much of an internet present as she does now. But also, then again, her internet presence isn't really that impressive right now either. Does talking in the third person count? Shouldn't matter, it's fun. It's a little past midnight already, should have been asleep 30 minutes ago. But avoiding time alone to think by sitting on the toilet with the laptop is much more fun and much easier. She likes to sleep but she never likes the hour before it.

Goodnight

here is her escape, sans the pile of clothes usually enveloping it

and here is what she sees in the harmless morning, except without her contacts on, it is nowhere near as  magical

There was a whole 3 weeks of the summer dedicated to watching The Office. All 7 seasons of it on Netflix. Curtains would be drawn, the whole side of the bed by the wall had a permanent fetal position imprinted on it. My laptop would be lying sideways to accommodate for my head also lying sideways. Those 3 weeks were the best of my summer. And therein, I think, lies the problem.

Hypothetical situations of myself being like everyone else I know when it comes to spending my free time during a break or a summer happen too often in my head. The fact is, I'm not and never will be like everyone else with cool, understanding, hip parents. I never will be. My parents just aren't parents. They weren't ready to have me, or any of us for that matter. My dad especially. He's not ready to be a responsible adult and he does not set a good example for me as far as living like an adult goes. As a person, he's a great role-model I look up to but I do not look up to him as an adult, at all.

Is that sad? Does that sound bad?

I'm sad and nobody does anything about it, not even me.

John: Want to go to bed with me?
Ina: Dunno, I kinda want to stay up and start The Bell Jar and empathize with Sylvia Plath.
John: Dunno what or who that is but sounds good
Ina: She's the one that stuck her head in the oven.

When 2:00 came around my legs shook. I love it, I can't help it. The attention makes me happy. Nothing will ever come of it but it feels good all the same. I can still feel him inside of me. His scent is still on my hair. Always on my hair.

I really love when I smell like this.

I had my last exam today, it was my 224 Practical. I feel pretty okay about it. But then again, I always feel pretty okay after an exam regardless of how well the outcome actually is. It must be the relief of getting it over with more than the feeling of accomplishment itself. I rarely feel accomplished when it's anything regarding my studies nowadays. After that, I went to see Garrison. He was in a corner of the SU studying. I laid down on the bench next to him and fell asleep for a little while and then decided I would go to the mall any buy myself some pretty clothes to feel better just because pretty clothes make me happy. I bought this beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful black dress that I'm extremely happy with. I tried to find a nice plain blue dress I could wear but I couldn't. I look good in blue. I also bought a pretty pink polka dot crop-top too. I like my tummy, I should be able to feel like I can wear crop-tops more often. Afterward, I went to Chipotle and got a big fat burrito. This branch was on Mountains Edge side of town and I was basically the only non-white girl there. It was bizarre. The ladies behind me didn't say "thank you" for their meal. After I was full and my stomach was bulging out of that crop top, I went to the library. I tried to look for books I thought I'd enjoy but I couldn't find anything. Judging books by their covers is definitely all I did.

I am the lizard king, I can do anything. But right now all I'd really love is to rock this practical. *metal*

You don't even notice change.

It's been much too much too long since I've typed up a proper blog post on this thing. I didn't realize it then but starting this blog was definitely a saving grace when we first moved to The States. It became a huge part of me.
I just always have this constant urge to share. To share everything. My thoughts, my emotions, my frustrations, my body, my food. Recently I had a talk with Him and He shared that I might have always had this compulsion for attention. Any type. It makes sense, I get it. I didn't get much of it when I was little. My dad wasn't around much. I know how these daddy issues work, I took Psych 101.

Anyway, the real reason I'm here is because I got caught in this little thing called Tumblr for far too long. That website is literally soul-sucking. I'm positive it was one of the main drives for this emotional turmoil inside of me. Plus it's a huge distraction and I don't have very good self-control. My self-control is basically the most laid-back of all the self-controls. "You want to what? Shoot heroine? Well I don't think that's the greatest idea Ina but you know, if really want to!" So I went ahead and left it. I didn't really delete it, I wouldn't be able to do that just because I'm such a nostalgic person and the internet is good for keeping memories. One day when I'm bouncing a kid on my lap and my flat stomach is no longer flat, I'll type in my old url and look through my /me tag and become reminded of hot I was. And I'll look through my /personal tag and laugh at how silly all my problems were. And I'll look at every other post and cringe and snort and grunt at the 3 years of thoughts I had accumulated on that thing. I'm glad I made it but I need to be happier and I need to be more focused on school and working and my family and my guy and my friends and everything else around me. I can't move forward if I'm so intent on facing a computer screen.
Like I am right now, for example. It's okay though because I always felt like making a big post every day was better than sporadically making bratty ones throughout the day and when I post this, I'll be able to study.

How do I feel right now? Well for starters, I've only had a combined sleep of about 8 hours for the past few days. It's only 8:30 but I feel like it's 2 AM. I've just done it again. Left my schoolwork to the last minute. I'm in college, I really can't afford to be doing that. It kills me because I know I shouldn't be but I do anyway and I panic and I become anxious and I cry and I complain to Him and he's so great about it but nothing makes me happy when I'm in this whole leg. I've just been sad the past few weeks or so, something's come back but that still shouldn't be a reason to have to panic every time some significant period in the semester comes around. I'm never going to become a nurse if I keep up like this! I want to be a nurse! I like science! I like the human body! It's really fucking neat! So I need to act better about it more so I can learn about science more! Yay science!

I think that's pretty much all I have for tonight. I need to revise the rest of my study guides for my 7:30 AM lab tomorrow. Hahahahahhahaha I hope I crash and die on the way to school. (I don't really, but that's all I think about when I drive I'm a very sad and complex person I should be in a movie.)

'Til next time!

Zac is very fond of Wreck-It-Ralph

I just take selfies that's all I do.

Just like a white-winged dove

~I'm so glad that you sound as excited and as enthusiastic as I do.~